A Transgender Man’s First Experience at CBE for All Genders
“Showing up to CBE as a transman, with my whole and open self, I was able to see that the others present were doing their versions of the same.”
Our community is what makes us who we are. Every Body Electric School event is an alchemical container of sensual and erotic transformation. If you’re considering participating in a Body Electric School event, yourself, we hope the magic conveyed by stories from members of our community will help inform your decision and inspire you find an offering that is right for you.
This is Allister’s Story
“A few years into transition from female-to-male, I physically matured through a somewhat typically awkward second puberty (this time as an adult male), enough to be pretty consistently gendered as male.
The emotional and somatic relief that this change continues to bring to my life — to be seen — is life-affirming.
The alleviation of gender dysphoria, experienced by transgender people for whom intrinsic gender identities are in conflict with sex assigned at birth, is what many trans folks hope for when we change our self-expressions and/or anatomy, transcending culturally defined categories of gender to become more congruent and whole selves.
With better alignment of my physical self with my gender came recognition of the indivisibility of my body and spirit.
As I began to internally experience the truth that “life can be lived more fully when wholeness is achieved,” I also became very aware of the realities that accompany life in a trans body, however whole. I was thrilled every time I was gendered correctly, happily changed my name and gender marker on my drivers license, proudly went shirtless whenever appropriate (and occasionally when inappropriate).
As a transman, however, I also struggled with uncertainty about who to come out to, when, and how, and in what ways people might treat or relate to me differently once they knew. I became concerned that incorrect assumptions would be made about me, but I also felt apprehensive about having to explain or defend myself, my gender, and my transness, repeatedly.
I grew uncomfortable with the responsibility of having to educate others and doubted whether I was suited for that role. I was suspicious of judgment, fearful of rejection, and honestly, simultaneously very proud and extremely anxious about my body, whether I was “male enough,” “man enough,” and whether anyone would find me attractive or ever want to interact with me physically.
I expressed this dichotomy to a friend who told me about Celebrating the Body Erotic for All Genders. I registered right away, specifically because of the buzzing discomfort that etrying to imagine what an event like this would be like for me caused.
The weekend approached, and I applied all my recently identified anxieties to the upcoming event. I was afraid of being the only trans person there, of being isolated and unable to relate to anyone, of being naked in a room of strangers, of how others would respond to my body, if they’d see me as a man, if they’d see me as a freak, that my presence would cause discomfort, especially to anyone expected to pair with me for an exercise.
As the fears multiplied, I mentally addressed how to respond to the possible reality of anything I could imagine being afraid of, including worst case scenarios. It became clear that my most complex and real fear was that I might opt out of full participation because I’m trans. I couldn’t plan my way out of the regret I knew I would feel if fear became a deterrent, so I imagined moving towards resistance with an adventurous and joyously vulnerable heart.
Prior to transitioning, I lived in a pretty constant state of war with my body, challenging myself to be comfortable in it, despite the physical limitations it had on my gender expression.
For years, I avoided coming out and focused on body modification through exercise, and depended on physical relationships that validated my masculinity despite my internalized transphobia, shame, and resistance to the idea of transitioning.
The potential challenge to a binary gender system is an inherently powerful part of my queerness and transness, and freedom to live in exploration and expression of an authentic and evolving self has become a priority.
Showing up to CBE as a transman, with my whole and open self, I was able to see that the others present were doing their versions of the same.
Together, we were able to experience amazing things that can happen in a group among others who are ready to experience amazing things, as well.
The energy of participation intensified the energy to participate in an organically contagious way. With the loving guidance of our clearly expert facilitators, my fears were dissolved by community, one by one, in real time….
As a kid coming to terms with the queerness of my gender and my sexuality, I remember wishing, “Can’t I just be a person?” I wanted to transcend the limitations of my gendered physical body and just be a human, a being, a creature.
Obviously, the physical world is filtered through our senses and understood through our particular embodied histories, potentially, under the right circumstances, to our delight.
CBE provided an elegant and engaging opportunity to take my (trans)gendered body for a proud and loving spin around a safe, encouraging container; To honor its specific beauty and intelligence as a vehicle through which to explore and physically experience heart opening and capacity for spiritual and erotic joy, in supportive community and interaction with other uniquely embodied beings, there to do the same.
Perhaps just as exceptionally, CBE cultivated freedom for diverse participants to transcend our bodies and practice relating to our deeper selves and to one another, beyond the limits of physical categorization, judgement, and romantic or sexual attraction, together as conscious awareness in spiritual community, celebrating the beings that exist inside each of us.”
“To be fully in Oneness with another… and with the divinity of all existence… We must literally trans-form ourselves to intentionally function as more than just a physical body.”
Kenneth Ray Stubbs in the Forward to Suzanne Blackburn’s book, Reclaiming Eros.
You can start your journey to freedom, love, intimacy, and erotic connection by coming to the next Body Electric School training near you.
Visit our website and check the calendar to find the next training for you: https://www.bodyelectric.org/
